Episode 02: Faith By Any Means Necessary
Finding Balance After My Spiritual Awakening
From Beds to Bags
When I reflect on the period right after my spiritual awakening, I can't help but recall the immense struggle I faced in trying to find a balance between my personal transformation and the responsibility of being a parent to my daughters after just giving up our home. It was an incredibly challenging time, having to oscillate between the inner journey I was embarking on and the external demands of being a mother with limited help.
I vividly remember the weight of the emotional and spiritual upheaval I was experiencing. It was a time of immense internal growth and awakening, but it was contrasted with a stark sense of responsibility towards my daughters and the guilt of being a burden to those who offered help. Navigating this delicate balance between my personal journey and motherhood was incredibly tough. There were moments when asking for help felt like an swallowing sand, as it seemed to contradict the newfound sense of inner strength and resilience that I was striving to cultivate.
Living out of luggage added an additional layer of discomfort to this phase of my life. The constant state of transience and impermanence served as a physical reminder of the internal turmoil I was experiencing. Having to go to the trunk everytime the girls needed church clothes or go to storage when the seasons were changing was similar to how I had to get to church on Sundays to know how to get through my next battle. Yet, amidst this turbulence, I made the decision to homeschool my daughters. It was a bold leap into the unknown, and it came with its own set of challenges, like having to become a teacher and an entrepreneur. The weight of ensuring that my daughters received a safe, quality education while grappling with my own transformation tested me in ways I could never have imagined. I couldn’t find a suitable job and my father was against the idea of taking the kids out of public school. It caused my relationship with my father to fail and I had to move out, so there was no emotional support nor permanent shelter. The cards felt stacked against me, yet again.
God Didn’t Bring Me This Far To Leave Me
However, through it all, I refused to let my circumstances dictate my demeanor. I held my head high, drawing strength from the unwavering faith that had propelled me through my spiritual awakening by going to church and sitting under the word of God every week. It was this newfound connection to the divine that saved me from the brink of a nervous breakdown before. I was filled with gratitude for the chance to rebuild my life, even if it meant starting from a place of discomfort. It was annoying traveling between family memebers for refuge, but I had a sense of pride from making it through the day and getting all that I needed to provide safety and warmth to my children. Eventually, another family member opened their home to me and my babies and I remember thinking “I may fall, but God always catches me.”
As I reflect on that time, I am reminded of the quote, "God doesn't give the hardest battles to his toughest soldiers; he creates the toughest soldiers through life's hardest battles." This period of my life epitomized exactly that. It was through the trials and tribulations of balancing my spiritual growth and being a mother that I discovered a newfound resilience and strength within myself. It was a period of growth, transformation, and ultimately, a deepening sense of gratitude for the chance to forge a new path forward, rooted in both spiritual enlightenment and unwavering maternal love. I’m not at the mountain top yet, but I am far from the base. I just keep climbing and I know eventually it will have moved under my feet comlpetely.
